I never had a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I’ve had many ideas (MANY) that have come and got over the years. A few things have remained consistent, but most things have fallen behind for most of my life. It’s taken a lot of growth and a lot of awareness to find myself in a place where I can accept what I truly want to be when I grow up: content.
I grew up always feeling like I had to be something. Like I have to find that thing that I love that can make money. As if making money was the only aspect of an activity that could make it worth my time.
WHY DO WE ALL HAVE TO BE SOMETHING?
My biggest, “is this it?” moments in life happened between the ages of 17 and 20. I had on and off again boy troubles and problems with drinking responsibly and my jobs were full of serving people who were mostly rude. I knew I wouldn’t be there forever, but it was hard for me to find motivation to move forward. I was stuck in a pattern and I didn’t see any way out.
To me, all life seemed to be was: find a job, make money, find a better job, make more money, etc. Until finally you’re old enough and rich enough to not work anymore.
I resented life for quite a long time because of this.
I resented the fact that I was given this existence that barely lasted a minute, only to spend it making money.
I’ve always loved having a life, but I hated the idea that all life had to offer was the potential for a good job. It seemed as though simply wanting to settle down and create a family and a home was simply not enough.
It never seemed acceptable to say I just wanted to be a mom.
I JUST WANT TO BE CONTENT
Each of us is content with different things. My husband, for example, loves his job. He loves the company he works for, he loves the challenge that comes with building a career. He loves having people rely on him to show up and make things happen. Many people find fulfillment in this. I’ve just never been one of them.
I’ve come to accept recently that I just want to be at home. I’m content with that life.
And I think more of us need to be okay with what we choose to do, even if we feel like everyone around us thinks it’s wrong.
I think, when we feel like everyone around us thinks what we’re doing is wrong, it’s really just us projecting our own insecurities into others.
I mean, how else would it be possible for us to live in a society where women who don’t want children feel like everyone is against them and women who just want to stay home with their children feel like everyone’s against them?
The reality is, you just have to decide what you want and do it. Do it confidently. Do it even if it feels like other people think it’s wrong. Do it because it feels like the right thing to you.
And if there are those people that say your path for happiness is wrong. Brush it off. Be annoyed by it for a little bit, sure. But then just let it go. They have their reasons for thinking what they think and to them it matters, but to you, who cares?
As someone who’s been very angry with the status quo, I think when we’re mad at the status quo, we’re really just mad at ourselves for not allowing ourselves to do what we love.
It’s not the world’s fault. It’s not society’s fault. It’s not men’s fault for making us feel inadequate. It’s our own fault for letting them. It’s our own fault for letting people say we’re weak enough to be manipulated.
So, I want to be content.
I don’t want to be an astronaut, I don’t want to be a designer. I just want to be a mom who stays at home and makes breakfast for her husband and gets excited about household cleaners and writes stuff occasionally. I want to be a person and I want to be happy. I want to make life more than what I thought it was. I want to make this life a life I think is worth living. No matter what anyone else says.
Photo by Ryan Riggins