Yes, you read that right. I’m talking about pooping at other people’s houses today.
A little background on my pooping expertise: I have always been really shy about it. When guys complain about having to hold in their farts on the first few dates, I just scoff because HELLO girls are suppose to be perfect and pretty and smell good always…. so when do we get to stop holding in our farts?
Honestly though, Ian didn’t think I pooped for probably the first two years of our marriage because of how shy I was about it. I mean, we’re all human and we can’t help it. It’s a natural thing that happens and we can’t always control when we’ll need to go. But for me, I’ve never wanted to shout from the roof tops, “HEY, I JUST POOPED GUYS” so being discrete has become my specialty.
Before I start this guide, if you’re like me and you have a lot of shame associated with pooping for some reason, it’s time to learn to let it go. I don’t have any real advice. Maybe just start talking about it more? Remind yourself everyone poops and it’s totally natural. It’s not good to hold it in until a more convenient time and when you gotta go, you gotta go and that’s okay.
But, I don’t think anyone should have to suffer through an awkward pooping experience.
You know the one. The one where the bathroom is awfully quiet. Where OF COURSE it makes a giant plop sound just because the bathroom is horrifically quiet and not far enough away from the activities. Where the toilet paper is on low and for some reason, even though you’re in the tiny, quiet room all by yourself, you feel like everyone is watching you.
Hopefully I’m not just some anxious weirdo and totally alone in this. So on the off chance I’m not, here’s how to get the job done peacefully!
POOPING PEACEFULLY AS A GUEST
The first thing I always fear is that everyone knows what’s going on and is actively thinking about what’s going on and that everything will happen loudly and confirm what everyone’s thinking about.
Rationally I know, people have better things to do than think about me pooping when I step out of the room, but just to ease my mind here’s what I do:
Look for a fan switch and turn it on.
If there’s no fan, the fan is too quiet, or you just want a little more white noise; turn on the sink all the way as long as you need.
If you’re feeling gassy and you know you’ve got some deflating to do before getting down to business, make sure you do all that before sitting on toilet cause that bad boy it like a speaker turned up to 11.
A good tip I picked up from Sophia Amoruso from Girl Boss Radio is to lay some toilet paper on the surface of the water to stop any ploppers from making those awesome loud plops.
This is the worst part of it all. As a fellow human, I’m sorry, but I hate breathing in butt air. Farts, lingering poop smells… It’s all terrible. So here’s how to reduce the chances of leaving behind evidence of your dirty deed.
This one really is reliant on the host (I’ll get to that later). BEFORE you do anything, look around for some kind of smell good spray. You’re going to want to spray that in the toilet and on the surface of the water before you actually do anything. The oils in most of these sprays will trap any smell that may occur.
As soon as you can, but especially before you flush, close the toilet seat lid. That’ll stop any smell from releasing as everything goes down the drain.
spray the smell good spray again. I mean, why not?
IF there is no spray in the bathroom, now you know what to get said host for Christmas. If you want, you can also keep a small bottle of Poo-Pourri on hand.
So that’s about the best you can do to poop peacefully when you’re a guest in someone’s home.
Now hosts, I’m looking at you. You’re part of this experience too.
Personally, I think a good host thinks of their guests comfort first and the bathroom is a great place to start.
So here’s your checklist for setting the bathroom up for your guests.
THE PERFECT HOST’S BATHROOM GUIDE
Just leave the fan on throughout the whole event of having guests in your home. Sometimes they’re loud and bring a lot of attention to the bathroom when turned on. Or maybe sometimes you have a guest that’s a paranoid weirdo like me and feels like it brings a lot of attention to the bathroom.
If you don’t have a fan in your bathroom…… move. (or I guess just find a way to get some kind of white noise in there)
Always have extra toilet paper. Tons of it. More than you think you’ll need.
Get yourself a proper fragrance spray. One specifically for the toilet and one for the room if you really wanna get fancy.
Make sure there's a trash can in the bathroom. Preferably one with a lid.
For any hosts that want to make it fun, I’ve made this book to keep in your guest bathroom to help any shy guests in need.